wounded deeply

some time ago my cousins-across-the-pond john and sharon creitz and i were sitting on their front porch as john was sharing how God had recently pulled him out of a huge hole. that nite john shared a beautiful quote with me that is yelling in my heart tonite. seems a.w. tozer said, "whom God would use mightily, He first wounds deeply." yeah. me too. say what? how does that make sense? i guess the same kind of sense that first you must be empty to be filled (see last nite's blog). you know. last = first, least = greatest, and the list continues. no sense. none at all. hurt to be used? if it's just the same with You, God, i'll sit in my little corner and do my own thing and not be used if it involves so much pain. i mean, don't most folks want to use perfect instruments? precise tools? i dunno.

the toughest part of a tree is where a knot has formed in the beautiful way that nature covers over a wound. bones fused together are also stronger at that point i guess. but it's bulky and twisted and mis-shapen. and unattractive. He had no form nor beauty that we should be drawn to Him. despised and rejected by men. a Man of sorrows and friends with grief. men hid their faces from Him and esteemed Him not. but it was for my transgressions He was brutalized. for my evil ways He was punished. for my tortured mind He suffered greatly in order to bring me the peace that has held me all my life. His flesh was left in ribbons so that i could experience healing of mind, body and spirit. isaiah 53.

it wasn't very pretty. but it was beautiful. it was a wounding like no one ever had known or will ever know. God from God was seperated from God. nope. i don't get it. but i need it.

so i'm feeling pretty wounded lately. hurt beyond my ability to understand or comprehend. and have been throughout my life in many ways. but so have you. i don't have a corner on the market.

but i want to beautiful and strong...and well, i don't make up the rules and this is how it works. so i bring my empty vessel once again to You, o my King and Redeemer. i need to be filled. healed. i'm scared. and hurt. i trust that You are not a God who changes. so do it again in me, Lord. use me mightily. because You have wounded me deeply. it doesn't go with my theology. that woundin part. so, i'll just leave it there if that's ok with y'all tonite. i do know that wounds come, and if He can use anything....well. if He can use ?anything? well. if He can. then He can use me.